The following was written around 2001 and has been slightly modified for the purpose of this blog and is my tribute to the late Countdown presenter.
This script was initially inspired by a sketch by Rory Bremner and segment of Brasseye.
TREVOR MACDONALD
Tonight we look back on the momentous events which led to the disgrace, public humiliation and eventual violent death of some of afternoon television's brightest lights.
[CUT TO TITLE SEQUENCE, ‘TONIGHT WITH TREVOR MACDONALD’]
It all began so innocuously, with those ads that everyone remembers
[CUT TO AN ADVERT WITH A MELODRAMATIC TRANS-ATLANTIC ACCENTED VOICE OVER TYPICAL OF A CERTAIN GENRE OF AD. THE VOICE, HOWEVER SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE RICHARD WHITELEY PRETENDING TO BE ORSON WELLES]
[WE SEE BORED OFFICE WORKERS SITTING AROUND. THE SITUATIONS MIRROR
THOSE DESCRIBED IN THE MONOLOGUE]
Have you ever been stuck in the office with shy or boring workmates, or worse, fell out with the boss and had nothing to say and no idea how to break the ice and strike up a meaningful conversation, if this sounds like you, well your worries are over, for the small fee of £15, you can be the office star and the toast of works' nights out, all you need is the new improved 'Richard Whiteley Punmaster' available from Cackco, buy it today, and treasure it forever.
[OFFICE WORKERS ARE HEARTILY LAUGHING, SLAPPING EACH OTHER’S BACKS. CUT TO THE PM PERCHED ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK IN No 10.]
Ah. Yeah. I really, would.
[BENEATH HIM READS THE TAG-LINE: - 'I would be lost without it!' - Tony
Blair, Prime Minister]
TREVOR MACDONALD
This original ad spawned a product and advertising empire few could have dreamed of, with and the public hungry for each new innovation. We
all remember this
[NEW AD, SAME VOICE-OVER]
[A GROUP OF YOUNG FEMALE OFFICE WORKER TYPES ARE IN A TRENDY WINE BAR.
AGAIN THE MONOLOGUE DEPICTS THE ACTION ACCURATELY]
Yes, that unwanted situation of the drunk leering so-called smoothie who just won't let it lie, or the bladdered cheeky wide-boy who thinks that coarseness counts for charm, or the pervy fondly-man who should be on the sex offenders register, will look no further than the 'Letch-e-cutor' from the people who brought you the famous 'Richard Whitely Punmaster' for only an extra £10 you can send the blokes away to eat not just a slice, but all of the humble pie, replete with a vast array of put-downs and soul destroying insults and taunts, you need never worry about those pub pirates or disco desperadoes again.
TREVOR MACDONALD
And of course we were all bowled over by...
[NEW AD, VOICE-OVER AS BEFORE]
At last it's here; a reliable and 100% effective cure for that enemy of the people, the common cold, and it comes in the shape and form of the Cold-Pun-Away, from Richard Whitely and Crapco. How does it work, let's
hear from an expert, Dr A Konnmann [from the Charlatan Institute of Fibbetowne University]
DR KONNMANN
[KONNMAN LOOKS LIKE SIGMUND FREUD AND HAS A STEREOTYPICAL GERMAN ACCENT]
'Recently, ve have discovered a new vave, eet ees known ast dee
Mirthowave ant ees very usefall ent der treetmensch ov coldts unt
disseesays.'
VOICE-OVER
Yes that's right the new 'Mithowave' can actually cure your cold by he
power of humour, listen to Richard's dulcet punning tones and very soon you'll be chuckling like nobody's business, releasing the all important
'Mirthowaves which in turn sonically disrupt the germs and viruses which have laid you low in the first place, revolutionary is not the word for it. Yes, whoever it was who said that laughter was the best medicine was the greatest prophet since Moses, so don't wait buy it today, for only £15. You be a fool otherwise.
TREVOR MACDONALD
As the consumer demand grew, the ingenuity sky rocketed. Richard Whitely it seemed could do no wrong.
[NEW AD, SAME VOICE-OVER]
In the bleak mid-winter there is nothing worse than climbing into bed and discovering that your feet are like blocks of ice, well worry no
more! Richard Whitely in conjunction with Crapco bring you the latest
product from their revolutionary 21st century tachnology range, no need
to worry about filling that hot water bottle or forgetting to turn of the electric blanket and having an uneasy night in dread of electrocution, because with the new 'Bed-pun' your worries are at an end, yes with this miracle product utilises the ground-braking 'mirth-waves' recently discovered by Professor A Konnmann, which heat up the air captured under your duvet, so that as you succumbed to Richard's
carefree come to bed voice and chuckle and purr like a contented Cheshire cat you will quickly discover that not only have you warmed to
Richard, but the power of his unstoppable mirthy voice has warmed you up. The 'Bed-pun' comes in a reproduction Victorian style clay bed warmer format to enhance all of the olde-worlde charm that the prince-of-pun's voice provides you with, this unbelievable device comes at the indecent price of £25, a small price to pay for endless evenings snuggled up warm as toast in the company of the world's wittiest human
and the genius of the mirth-wave.
TREVOR MACDONALD
But like Icarus, Whitely appeared to have flown to high.
[CUT TO NEWS BULLETIN]
BUSINESS REPORTER
Figures released today show a sharp downturn in Crapco's index share price. Market speculators have remarked that, while surprised by the rate of decline, the downturn was not unexpected. An increase in the number of consumer complaints regarding the rising prices across the popular 'Richard Whitely' range are thought to be a major contributory factor.
In the face of hostile competitors in the market place, such as the 'Richard Stilgoe Anagramotron and related products' (Minceoh Plc) and the Carole Vordermann Mathematrix Range of Therepuatic Number Devices for the Happy Housewife (Duffest Co.), Crapco , the market leader in useful gadgets has announced a slashing of it's prices across the board
by as much as 50%, the complete range and their new prices were published today
The Richard Whitely Pun-Array
The Original Punmaster £25
The After-dinner Pun Almanac £26
The Crawltastic Begatron £18
The Letch-e-cutor £20
The Cold-pun-away £22
The Bed-pun £25
Further products from the range remain unannounced, in anticipation of
consumer reactions to the price apocalypse. I’m sorry we must leave this report and return to the news desk
NEWS ANCHOR
Unsubstantiated rumours have named several of the directors of Crapco
as the occupants of a car which was alleged ran off the road and down a
ravine into a lake on a barge of burning tyres by a man in a garish boating jacket and thick rimmed spectacles, however police refuse to confirm if the man, now in custody is the same Richard Whitely of Countdown fame or just one of his millions of fans, who are easily recognisable by their habit of wearing clothes akin to their hero.
Further developments are eagerly awaited in the financial centres of the world.
[THE STUDIO OF NEWSNIGHT. JEREMY PAXMAN IS SOMBERELY RELAYING THE FACTS]
Thus began the bizarre chain of events, Richard Whitely, compere of the popular Channel 4 quiz show Countdown was arrested and charged with a number of offences, including most shockingly four counts of murder. Now tonight for the first time we can exclusively bring you the full story. Some viewers may find some of the footage in this programme disturbing.
[THE REPORT BEGINS UNDER THE HEADING; - ROAD-RAGE]
REPORTER [ARCHIVE FOTAGE]
The intrigue began yesterday when Crapco,
[CUT TO FOOTAGE OF CRAPCO OFFICES]
a commercial company for whom Whitely endorsed a popular range of products and was also a substantial shareholder announced a widespread reduction in prices, much to the surprise of the business world. One hour later an Aston Martin carrying the three top directors and the chairman, Joe Crouked was run off the road, down a ravine and on to a barge loaded with burning tyres traversing a lake, it is not known as yet why the tyres on board the barge were burning, but this unfortunate turn of events ultimately led to the deaths of the car's occupants in a horrific fireball.
[CUT TO CRASH SCENE]
Witnesses to the accident claim that a Morris Minor Traveller (with wood panelled wings) was seen to ram the high performance sports car, made famous by the highly successful James Bond films lost control and spun off the road. The driver of the other car was described to be of middle age with thick rimmed eye-glasses and a garish pink and yellow candy stripped boating jacket, possibly wearing a toupee (although Police refused to rule out the possibility that the driver was in disguise).
[A MOCK UP OF THE CAR AND A DISTURBING PHOTO- FIT FILL THE SCREEN]
[NEW HEADING ‘BRASSED-OFF‘]
Given the close proximity to Whiteley's home, the oddly named Ciddekdaps (apparently Dickie’s pad in anagram form) and the fact that the description bore more than a scant resemblance to Mr Whitely, officers were dispatched to question him over his whereabouts that afternoon.
[OFFICERS ARRIVING AT AND MILLING AROUND THE STAR’S HOME]
POLICE SPOKESMAN
Upon arriving at the mansion, all lights were out and there seemed to be no sign of life save for an open front door. The officers decide to
check on the house and its contents for fear that something had happened to the hapless Richard. After a quick look around Whiteley was discovered in a somewhat peculiar condition and made no sense when questioned by officers. One constable described him to be 'off his mash on something'.
REPORTER
The apparent reason for Whiteley’s odd condition he later explained was that he had been polishing some ornamental brasses and copper pots in preparation for one of this famed dinner evenings, when he was overcome by fumes from the Brasso he was using and opted for a lie down (a half empty container of Brasso and a chamois rag had been discovered by his bed) and he claimed to have slept all afternoon. This was bore out by his attire, a striped smoking jacket with matching pyjamas and slippers, however police also discovered a jacket matching the description of the suspect and several pairs of thick rimmed spectacles, and had no choice given the shabby alibi and lack of witnesses to support his story, but to charge Whitely with dangerous driving, driving under the influence of intoxicants (Brasso) and four counts of first degree murder.
[NEW HEADING ‘ORGANISED CRIME’]
TREVOR MACDONALD
Arrested and facing disgrace, Whiteley was then sent to Wormwood Scrubs prison to await the hearing this morning and to deliver his plea.
[CUT TO ARCHIVE REPORT]
[SCENE BEGINS WITH THE PRISON, WHITELY LEAVING UNDER A BLANKET, THE
MOTORCADE AND FINALLY THE COURT]
REPORTER
The courtroom was packed with the obviously curious public and press but also die-hard fans that had to be told to stop singing the famous
Countdown theme during the proceedings, several where in-fact arrested for contempt of court, but not taken to the cells as this was interpreted as merely attempts to get close to their hero.
[CUT TO CROWDS]
[CUT TO REPORTER OUTSIDE THE OLD BAILEY]
REPORTER
A not so quiet murmur when round the court when it was revealed that none other than Cherie Blair, QC and judge, but also wife of the Prime
Minister would be taken the extraordinary step of defending the seemingly caught red-handed host. Her reasons she stated were personal, however it is possible that perhaps her father Tony Booth, the jobbing actor, may have owed Whiteley some cash and this may have been pay back time, this rumour of course remained unsubstantiated. Whitely pleaded not guilty and was bold enough to add the comment that like Oscar Wilde
he would prove his innocence, the judge reminded him that Wilde the famed 19th century playwright and wit (not unlike Whiteley, but probably a bit funnier) did not prove his innocence and was in point of fact actually guilty of his charges.
Mrs Blair excused her client's behaviour, claiming he hadn't quite come down from the Brasso trip yet. The bizarre proceedings took yet another fantastical twist when the defendants counsel claimed that he was not only innocent of all charges but also the victim of a conspiracy to frame him by a sinister Manchester based crime family ran by none other than Manchester United and England's famous 1966 World Cup winning striker the internationally respected Sir Bobby Charlton.
[CUT TO FOOTAGE OF CHARLTON IN HIS HEYDAY]
After the laughter subsided and the presiding judge inquire if Mrs
Blair had herself been at her client's Brasso or something stronger,
Cherie contended that she had cast iron proof and (in a statement that proved to be the icing on the proverbial cake) that the actually 'hit' as she termed it had been carried out by none other than a heavily disguised Richard Madeley of the daytime smash hit 'This Morning With Richard and Judy'.
[CUT TO FOOTAGE OF THIS MORNING WITH RICHARD AND JUDY]
Amidst scenes never before witnessed in a murder trial, all present were, save the accused and his defence team, doubled up in fits of hysterical laughter.
[CUT TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE STILL LAUGHING AND OBVIOUSLY RELAYING THE NEWS TO NEWCOMERS]
REPORTER
The court was adjourned, with Whiteley unsurprisingly being refused bail, and the unusual step of the date for trial being set for the following day, the reason being that the entire event had been captured on film by a Japanese tourist and the fact that the defence claimed that they needed no further time to prepare their defence.
[CUT TO EXERT OF FOOTAGE]
TREVOR MACDONALD VOICE OVER
We must warn that some viewers may be offended by the following report which displays scenes of a disturbing nature. The world now waits for the next episode of this so far mind boggling affair and we wonder at today's conundrum. Will Whiteley be sent down?
[HEADING; - TELEVISION ON T.V]
REPORTER
I can however report that both Sir Bobby Charlton and Richard Madeley have both strenuously denied that they, firstly had anything whatsoever to do with the mysterious, yet horrific incident which led to the deaths of the Crapco executives, and secondly refute the allegation that they are members or a vicious crime syndicate, with Sir Bobby at it's head, (Don Bobby as he is known in underworld circles, or Bad Baldy Bobby The Ball or simply Godfather)
…and Madeley is rumoured to be a high ranking Lieutenant, running the London end of the Family business, under the smokescreen of his T.V career and sham marriage to Judy Finnegan, who is thought actually to be a transvestite Iranian hit man. It is also alleged, by sources close to the accused, that Charlton exerted his malevolent connections to influence the outcome of Madeley's high profile and highly embarrassing shoplifting case.
[CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF WHITELEY UNDER A BLANKET]
Trial of Richard Whitely, had been due to start today, but the defendant was still undergoing psychiatric and psychological examinations to determine if he is fit to stand trial, or if his metal polish addiction has addled his brain into a wasted shell of the previous walnut of pun-lenty that was the Richard Whitely we all know and love, (well know anyway). Now we can bring you; - Brasso: The Facts you need to know to prevent your kids from taking you to the cleaners.
[CUT TO SPECIAL REPORT ON BRASSO ABUSE, THE NEW HIGH, DEPICTING A RECONSTRUCTION OF A PARTY? AND A USER SHOWING HOW TO GET A HIT]
In response to the revelations regarding Richard Whiteley’s alleged Brasso abuse, it has become known to this programme that a number of other stars have also been partaking of this lo-fi , DIY drug,
in what have become known as 'shiners, elbow greasers or polish parties, these over-rich big heads cavort naked, wearing only chamois leather masks impregnated with large quantities of Brasso, leaving them after the initial 'copper shot' as addicts term it, they run around like loons,
but as the polish wears off or the user becomes 'brassed off' they are left in a state of disorientation and are prone to talk gobbledegook not unlike Mr Whiteley’s comments at the time of his arrest, the menace of Brasso grows and the world's most eagerly awaited trial begins on Monday.
TREVOR MACDONALD
And so the public galleries of the Old Bailey were filled to the point of bursting, and many found themselves standing, but no-one seemed irked by this for they all wanted to be able to say that they had been in court the day the trial of the 21st century began.
[TITLE; - DEFIANT DEFENDANT]
REPORTER
[OUTSIDE OLD BAILEY]
Richard Whiteley stood defiantly in the dock as the attorney general began the opening statement for the crown. This in itself was unusual, for a murder trial, but it was thought that given the unique background to the case and the possible repercussions created by the accused defence that for the sake of safety to the national psyche that the full weight of British justice should be brought to bear on the head of the apparently caught red-handed Mr Countdown.
Adding further to the drama of the case, Whitely, a staunch supporter of the Tory party and great admirer of Baroness Thatcher, the once 'Iron lady' of British politics in the 1980's, was being defended by the wife of the current Labour Prime Minister, Cherie Blair QC. What our Tony made of all of this is unknown as the PM has declined to comment saying that his wife's job is her affair and he doesn't like to get involved.
[CUT TO BLAIR GIVING NO COMMENT INTERVIEW]
[TITLE; - A SMOKING GUN]
REPORTER
[A MONOLOGUE FOLLOWS THE RECONSTRUCTION OF EVENTS TO THE LETTER, A-LA CRIMEWATCH. WHITELEY APPEARS DRIVEN AND DEMONIC, THE OTHERS HAPPY, LAUGHING, UNAWARE OF THEIR IMMINENT DOOM]
The prosecutions argument was straight forward and needed not to be reported in it's entirety, in a succinctly worded statement, the attorney general argued that Whitely, driven by the potential loss of income from the seeming collapse of Crapco, the company he had diverted and considerable amount of funds, personal effort and staked his good name upon, had for no good reason went down the tubes and in a demonic rage he had intercepted the managerial team on route to his mansion and ran them off the road, effectively making him the sole managing voice in the company, and therefore in control of its sales policy.
[WHITELEY SMILES MANICALLY IN THE RECONSTRUCTION]
REPORTER
He had in short killed these innocent businessmen because he was in a sulk because things weren't going his way and instead of waiting and sorting things out he had dived in head first and cut short their promising lives like so many candles snuffed out in the wind. The Crown said that the much talked about 'Brasso' question, was not relevant as tested proved Whitely to be of a sound mind and that given the short term 'hit' of the polish, he could have been in a perfectly normal state prior and during the murders and taken the metal polish after the fact, to cover his tracks. The attorney general closed his opening statement with the reminder that, 'when those we look up to fall from grace, we must punish them harder for letting us down, and that Whitely would be remembered as a great talent who had fallen victim to what was his own worst enemy, himself and his over-riding and over-punning ego.
ANCHOR
It is now time to rejoin the action in the main court of the old
Bailey...
[TITLE; - ASTONISHED]
REPORTER
Mrs Blair, QC and counsel for the seemingly guilty Richard Whitely, began by reminding the assembled of the many miscarriages of justice in
British legal history and said she had taken the unusual step of defending Whitely because she wanted to prevent what she thought was another from happening and she claimed her intention was to convince the jury and all assembled of the injustices perpetrated upon the body and mind of her client.
[CUT TO PHOTOS OF FAMOUS MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE]
[CUT TO A RECONSTRUCTION MORE SYMPATHETIC TO WHITELEY BUT IN THE SAME VAIN AS BEFORE.]
Dealing firstly with the accident itself, Cherie said that whilst the eyewitness video recording showed a man of similar build and garish dress sense as her client, the recording was, like so many similar tapes purporting to be of UFO's and the like, suitably blurred and vague and giving no real irrefutable proof of the Countdown compere's guilt, but merely showed a badly dressed specky bloke driving an eccentric vehicle erratically and ultimately causing the fatal accident, this she did not and said she could not deny, however, it still did not conclusively prove her man was guilty or even there. Dealing next with Whiteley’s alibi, of being overcome by Brasso fumes and semi-conscious all afternoon, Mrs Blair said that Whiteley’s wife and servants backed up his claim that he had indeed been polishing when the left to go and attend a cheese and parsnip fair in a nearby village hall and therefore could not validate Whiteley’s claims. Turning to the much publicised 'Brasso' addiction, Mrs Blair, claimed Richard was not a user and even if he was Brasso is not an illegal substance, but a harmless metal polish, with albeit a rather powerful smell. She refuted claims that Whitely stood to gain financially from the death of the Crapco directors, but was in-fact out of pocket from the deal as he had merely been the front-man and go between for others, who Mrs Blair would name after a recess, in which the mentioning of such names had to be addressed with light to several writs which had been issued regarding them, it was decided that, to get round the legalities, Whitely could use the privilege of the witness box to propound these arguments and the jury could make up their own minds, Mrs Blair concluded with the phrase, ‘May justice be served or the heavens fall!’
[TITLE; - BAD COMPANY]
REPORTER
In an effort to prove that Whiteley had committed the murders in order to financially profit from the deaths, the Crown called Mr Ivor Jobsworth to the stand.
[CUT TO JOBSWORTH ARRIVING AT COURT]
Jobsworth, the manager of the Crapco production plant, was the only high profile member of the company executive left after the Whitely genocide, and only due to a piles operation, which had robbed him of a seat in the fateful journey (and probably robbed him of many a seat for a few days).
[CUT TO RECONSTRUCTION OF EVENTS IN COURT]
CROWN COUNSEL
'What was Mr Whiteley’s role in the company, was he a hands on partner
or as he suggests a 'silent or sleeping partner',
JOBSWORTH
'I would definitely describe him as a hands on kind of fellow, he was always faaxin' us wit new ideaas abatt everyfing, specially the maaketing, 'e always wonned his faace splased all offer everyfing, 'e was a bit state o' maine!'
ANCHOR [VOICE OVER]
The judge interjected at this point, unable to follow the witness’s jaunty cockney rhyming slang.
JUDGE
'State of maine', I don't follow my good man, could you be more clear?'
JOBSWORTH
'Sorry your wurship, I mean vain, he was, I thought a very vain and self-important bloke.'
CROWN COUNSEL
'The kind of man who would perhaps stoop to murder if the conditions allowed?'
TREVOR MACDONALD [VOICE OVER]
At this Mrs Blair, (looking sublime in a classy pinstripe two piece pant suit) interrupted,
MRS BLAIR
'Objection your honour, the prosecution is leading the witness!'
JUDGE
'I shall allow it, you may answer.'
ANCHOR [VOICE OVER]
Jobsworth, thought for a second and said
JOBSWORTH
'I fink, all fings considered 'e probably would, I'd also say if 'e was made of chocolate 'e'd eat 'imself too!'
ANCHOR VOICE OVER
After a lengthy discourse on several business documents which pointed to Whiteley indeed owing a sizable share of the Crapco Company, the witness was excused and once again the defence refrained from cross examining. The Crown called their next witness, a Mr William Fibb, who it was claimed in a tabloid newspaper, had devastating proof of Whiteley’s guilt.
[CUT TO TABLOID FRONTPAGE]
Upon his appearance in the stand, Whitely began to sing 'Ten Men Went to Mow a Meadow', a sign so took as indicting what Mr Fibb, was in underworld speak, a 'grass', however the sheer volume of Whiteley’s singing meant that he had to be removed from the court until he calmed down a bit.
[TITLE; - THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER]
[AN INTERVIEW WITH FIBB AFTER BEING IN THE WITNESS BOX, FIBB IS FILMED FROM BEHIND SO HIS IDENTITY REMAINS SECRET. THE CROWN COUNSEL IS PLAYED BY MARTIN BASHIR]
BASHIR
Mr Fibb, in your statement you claim to have known Mr Whitely for twenty years?
FIBB
'That is correct, and I would say that in all those years I have found
Dickie to be a great friend and ally in many situations, I am probably one of his oldest and closest friends.'
BASHIR
'I see, so could you tell the court the chain of events which led to you, Whiteley’s closest friend, standing testifying against him in a court of law?'
FIBB
'It is rather simple, Dickie was always a pun-loving japester until he let it go to his head and he became hungry for fame and all it's glittering baubles, he would often say, I'm far funnier than Dick Emery and Benny Hill, or why can't I have a chat show I could out Wogan, Wogan or Aspel or even Parkinson (this drew a gasp from the crowd). It really went to his head; I think he wanted Channel 4 to consist solely of programmes featuring him.'
BASHIR
'What of his involvement with Crapco?'
FIBB
'That whole caper was his idea to get a higher profile with the public,
and hence get more pun-based parlour chat type shows on the box, however things turned a bit sour when, other celebs a bit more established stated to court Crapco with their ideas for products.'
BASHIR
'And could you for the record recall any of these people?'
FIBB
'Oh yes, there was apparently the Jim Bowen Bullseye DIY Acupuncture
Set, The Cilla Black Blind Date Chucky-egg Dating Mate For The Tongue
Tied and the other one was the Jim Davidson Lie-To-Your-Wife-And-Avoid-Costly-Divorces-Blue/Racist-Joke-Food Blender, Crapco thought that might sell well.'
BASHIR
'Did this upset Whiteley?'
FIBB
'Well the last time I seen him he was irate, throwing his blazers around and snorting Brasso like nobody's business, he said 'That's it those Crapco guys are for it, I shall have to run them out of town, I am the pun-master and no cockney pearly king will steal my throne! They will get what's coming to them and that's that!'
BASHIR
'What did you take from this?'
FIBB
'Well I've seen Richard in rages before and I once had to restrain him at a T.V awards ceremony, as he was going to kill Bruce Forsyth with a butter knife, I had to sit on him and stuff a napkin in his mouth.'
BASHIR
'Has he ever threatened to kill anyone else?'
FIBB
'Oh yes, the list is endless; - John Craven, his hair was too thick, John Cleese, too tall, Maureen Lipman, too funny, Martin Bell, too sincere, Les Dawson, too handsome and funny, I really could go on and on.'
[WE CUT BACK TO THE COURTROM]
CROWN COUNSEL
'I think we have heard enough, and since in your statement you list 742
other celebrities and other prominent people that could have felt
Whiteley’s wrath, I shall put the statement in as prosecution exhibit B, so it is fair to say from this evidence, when Whitely claimed the directors of Crapco were 'for it', he meant to kill them.'
FIBB
'Yes that is correct.'
CROWN COUNSEL
'No further question your honour.'
TREVOR MACDONALD
Again the defence forewent the chance to cross examine. The Crown stated that Mr Fibb was their last witness and the defence was asked to call their first witness, who was none other than Whiteley’s wife Wispy
Beerbloom Whitely, a portly yet not unattractive woman with a beehive hairdo so large one could easily cage a parrot in it, she looked like what one person described as Keeping Up Appearances Hyacinth Bucket on acid, the court eagerly awaited what she would have to say.
[TITLE; - GENTLE AS A LAMBSWOOL SWEATER]
TREVOR MACDONALD
The immaculately attired Mrs Blair began;-
[CUT TO RECONSTRUCTION OF COURT ROOM]
MRS BLAIR
We have heard evidence from a previous witness that your husband had a violent temper and was often issuing death threats to other famous persons, how does this image fit with the man you have been married to for almost 30 years?
MRS WHITELY
'Richard is just a soppy little lambkin and I don't know where that awful man got such ideas from, the incidents he described where either embellished or downright naughty lies. He said Dicksy tried to kill
Broocie with a knife, such utter poppycock, what happened was he got up to pass the knife to him, stumbled, said to Broocie you'll get it now, meaning jokingly, because he is so funny, for him to pick up the knife while he picked himself up, then this beastly man sits on him and sticks his horrid hankie in poor Ricky-ticky ta-ta, sorry I mean my husbands mouth, all very much not as it seems.
MRS BLAIR
'You would also refute the claim that your husband was obsessed with his own image and wished a higher profile in the media?'
MRS WHITELY
Richard is perfectly happy with his iconic status as the incredibly witty host of Countdown, and couldn't wish for anymore devoted fans than those he has, of which I am number one.
MRS BLAIR
Thank you very much Mrs Whitely. No further questions.
JUDGE
Does the prosecution wish to cross examine the witness?
CROWN COUNSEL
Yes M'lurd.
'Mrs Whitely, is it not true that your entire testimony is a fabric of lies deceits and half truths and in-fact you and your husband live almost separate lives, explaining your absence on the day in question, that you are having an affair with the butler and that your husband is having a very indiscreet relationship with his Countdown co-hort Carole
Vorderman?
TREVOR MACDONALD
Mrs Whitely turned a whiter shade of pale and mumbled and stuttered, whilst the courtroom was alive with whispers and cat-calls and wolf whistles and shouts of 'On yersel Richard!’ all the while a low sound like rumbling or growling was emitting from Whitely, he seemed like a tiger ready to pounce.
[TITLE; - NUMBER’S RACKET]
REPORTER
The thinking man's tottie, Carol Vorderman, took her seat in the witness box, dressed almost as immaculately as Mrs Blair, Carol looked composed, but surely inside, her computer like brain must have been battling a super-virus, for what had begun as a simple appearance as a character witness, had now mushroomed into a Hiroshima-esque scandal of ridiculous, almost soap opera proportions, would she deny the affair?
Would she back up Whiteley? Would she weep and behave like a silly person? The tension and anticipation in the air could be sliced like a stale, hardened baguette.
The cross examination was as follows
MRS BLAIR
'Carol, has Richard Whitely ever in your experience displayed any violence during your public and very private relationship?
CAROL
'No'
MRS BLAIR
'Has he seemed obsessed with himself or money?'
CAROL
'No, Richard, bless him, has always been the proper gentleman, kind, considerate, charming and devastatingly witty, but never big-headed or money grabbing.'
MRS BLAIR
'Is he, do you believe capable of murder?'
CAROL
'No, no more than I am capable of making a basic arithmetic mistake!'
TREVOR MACDONALD
It was very evident that Mrs Blair was working from a somewhat revised set of questions and given the previous revelations wished to quickly brush over the affair. The prosecution pulled no such punches.
CROWN COUNSEL
Ms Vorderman or is it Mrs?
CAROL
I prefer Ms.'
CROWN COUNSEL
'I rather thought you might, MS Vorderman, would you not think that a man who presents one face to the public but lives a very different life behind closed doors, could also be equally capable of keeping other sides of his character from those close to him?'
CAROL
'Ah well, yes but Richard is different from other men?'
CROWN COUNSEL
I'm sure he is and from what we've heard and saw today, I do not doubt you , however you have not answered my, question, could Whitely, given his deceptions to the public and his wife have another darker lesser know Mr Hyde side, if you pardon the Whitely-esque pun?
ANCHOR
At this point Whiteley brandishing and pointing an invisible sword shouted 'Touché' and was reminded by the Judge to keep quiet.
CAROL
I suppose, yes, it is possible.
CROWN COUNSEL
'No further questions'
TREVOR MACDONALD
With a very definite look of love, Vorderman mouthed the words 'sorry' to the hapless host, who with a resigned shrug, winked at her.
Mrs Blair, a little ruffled, but still looking like a mature catalogue model, stiffened slightly as she said 'The defence calls Richard Randolph Egbert Tupplesworth Barnstop Wiggley - Smythe Buchstopp Whitely.
Walking, all the world like a deranged Greek God wearing Marlon Brando's swagger and Donald Dewar's glasses, the man of the moment took the stand, and the world held its breath.
[TITLE; - THE PUN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD]
REPORTER [ARCHIVE]
Whiteley stood in the witness box looking as calm and composed as he had always appeared to be on Countdown. He wore his standard smug smart bottomed grin and he awaited his brief, the thinking woman's fashion icon Mrs Cherie Blair, the thoroughly modern wife of New Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair, career woman and mother to a young child, to begin trying to mount a defence which would save the seemingly guilty game-show host from being convicted of four counts of murder, this would be a tough challenge for the QC whose dad was once in Alf Garnett, as Whitely had seemingly been filmed carrying out the act, caught red-handed, but it had been rumoured that Whitely was going to take the stand and claim he was a victim of a conspiracy and would name names and conclusively prove his innocence.
[CUT TO RECONSTRUCTION]
MRS BLAIR
'Mr Whitely, do you own a Morris Minor Traveller with wooden panelling?
WHITELY
'I most certainly do, it is a splendid shade of bird-shell blue and can do 0-60 in several minutes.'
MRS BLAIR
'And on the day in question, had you at any time driven your car?'
WHITELY
'Yes, I had gone to she local hardware shop to purchase some Brasso to polish some metal ware, then I returned home, did some polishing and became a little under the weather and went for a lie down, and then before I knew it policemen where all over my house and I was in a cold dank cell, so I can say that I drove my car, but in the opposite direction from the fatal incident.'
MRS BLAIR
'How then do you account for you being apparently filmed behind the wheel of the car and carrying out the road rage attack that led to the loss of the lives of the four directors of Crapco?'
WHITELY
Well if I can take a moment of the court's time I can explain what happened and how this has all been a waste of time and that I am innocent and the victim of skulduggery of the highest degree!'
MRS BLAIR
'So who then was driving your car? As there is no doubt it was your car.
WHITELY
'The driver of the car was Richard Madeley of ITV's This Morning, I know
this because the post man had told me that he had seen him in the Post
Office earlier on that morning, so I don't think it would be difficult
to imagine a clever career criminal like Madeley and his cunning side
kick Abdulla.'
MRS BLAIR
'Who is, for the benefit of the court, Abdulla?'
WHITELY
'Abdulla El Az Ramdamnatadtoz is an Iranian cross dressing hitman who more commomly is known to people in these great Isles as Judy Finnegan!'
TREVOR MACDONALD
At this point the incredulous prosecution could stand no more.
CROWN COUNSEL
'You honour this testimony is patently absurd, this man is either mad or making a mockery of British justice.'
JUDGE
'Order! Order!
ANCHOR
The courtroom had once again descended into anarchy as the public galleries howled and sniggered at Whiteley’s outrageous claims. Mrs Blair, countered,
MRS BLAIR
'My client has a right to his say and however absurd this may sound, it is the truth.'
JUDGE
'I shall allow the testimony to continue, however, Mr Whitely I would warn you to steer yourself from the path of the fantastic and keep yourself firmly planted in the garden of fact, you may continue.'
WHITELY
'I believe that whilst I was out purchasing the polish, Madeley or 'Finnegan' as he is commonly known must have spiked my cleaning chamois with some from of knock out gas or chloroform.'
MRS BLAIR
'For the record the defence would like to include this chemical analysis of my client's chamois and it indeed shows high levels of chloroform. Why would this famous couple wish to do this, what would they benefit from it, if anything?'
WHITELY
'The world of celebrity in Britain is a sordid one, one in which organised crime and light-hearted family viewing are hand in glove. Can you imagine Gloria Hunniford and Mafia dons planning and executing armed robberies, well I'm sorry but it's true. The man behind it all is Bobby Charlton, the all work for him and anybody that gets in his way, they are history, look at poor Jill Dando, or Diana, bless her, for she was the Queen of Hearts, but I don't know if we'll ever taste her tarts, since her life and the life of Baldy Bobby crossed.
MRS BLAIR
'So you mean to say that Bobby Charlton, hero of England's 1966 World
Cup winning side and star of the Manchester United European Cup winning side of 1968, one of England's most beloved sporting heroes is in-fact an underworld crime boss.
WHITELY
'Oh yes, the Munich air crash of the 1950's which killed most of the Man Utd team was meant for Bobby Charlton, even then he had powerful enemies. How he grew to such prominence in the world of crime no-one really knows, but one think is for sure he is so feared that he was allowed to play football despite being not very good at it and all the football matches he played it were fixed, even the ones in which his side lost, it was all gambling, in-fact Bobby has fixed every sporting even for the best part of 50 years.'
MRS BLAIR
'How does this coincide with Crapco?'
WHITELY
'I foolishly fell foul of him at an after dinner speaking engagement, he wined and dined me and, in short got me drunk and promised me all this fame and glamour, in return for fronting this range of products. All seemed well, until I discovered that in-fact it was all a front for the laundering of Sir Bobby's ill gotten gains and that the price drop was a scam to cover the huge amount of cash he planned launder from the success of various nefarious schemes. I believe that the directors were not all in on the plan but rather than take the chance of someone letting the cat out of the bag, he had his two side kicks kill all the poor fellows and frame me for it.'
MRS BLAIR
'So you deny the video evidence?'
WHITELY
'Yes it is Madeley in disguise, although I cannot prove it, but it is not well built enough to be me, so can only be Madeley.'
ANCHOR
The defence then rested its case and the cross examination began...
[TITLE; - THE CHARLTON MAFIA]
CROWN COUNSEL
'Mr Whitely, do you really expect us to believe the absurd nonsense you have just related to the court. This is your defence against four counts of murder, a capital offence which would have at one time led you to the gallows if found guilty, you are either mad, which I do not think you are or a callous cold blooded murderer who believes that by luck and a bit of wit and making the jury laugh they can get away with murder four times over.'
WHITELY
'That is not true, and everything I said was true and that is the truth!'
CROWN COUNSEL
Is it also true that you buy 20 bottles of Brasso a week and that you are addicted to its fumes?'
WHITELY
'No I have a lot of metal ware to polish?'
CROWN COUNSEL
'Mr Whitely, you have a Butler, surely that would be his job?'
WHITELY
'He is my wife's butler not mine!'
CROWN COUNSEL
'Ah yes of course! so nice of you to lead me to my next point, not only have you an unhealthy liking for metal polish, but you and your wife live immorally with different partners. Can you expect us to believe that you are telling the truth, when you are two different people, one in public and another in private.'
WHITELY
'Just like Sir Bobby!'
CROWN COUNSEL
'Again with your unsubstantiated wild claims against respected figures,
Mr Whiteley was it or was it not your car in the video?'
WHITELY
'Yes it was.'
CROWN COUNSEL
Was it your Blazer?'
WHITELY
'It appeared to be one similar to mine.'
CROWN COUNSEL
'Then using the Occam's razor theory, of the simplest solution is often the correct one, I suggest to you that given the evidence, it was you and no-one else that drove the car on that fateful day.'
WHITELY
'No it wasn't me!'
CROWN COUNSEL
Yes of course it was a transvestite television presenters husband, no further questions your honour this pantomime has gone on too long.'
JUDGE
You may now briefly sum up your cases, beginning with the prosecution.
CROWN COUNSEL
'I shall be brief, Mr Whitely, an immoral drug addict and adulterer, whose ego grew to big for this celebrity status, couldn't face the prospect of this range of tacky parlour toys not selling, so he killed the poor fellows who had made him a sizable nest egg, and returned home to indulge himself in his evil habit, and then not counting on a fan filming his dirty deed, he had to back track and blacken the names of some of the nations favourite entertainers and sports stars. This man is evil and he is guilty and I wish we still had the death penalty so as we could hang him, for he surely deserves it.
JUDGE
Mrs Blair, you may have your say.
MRS BLAIR
'My client is the victim of a monstrous conspiracy which goes to the very heart of this nation's psyche, and although it may sound absurd, information has been sent to various Police forces and they will in the fullness of time ,I believe act upon it and bring these evil people to justice, so I can only say, that Richard Whitely is a good man and not capable of murder anymore than he is of being remotely funny, for alas yes , he may be witty, but no-one finds him funny, but he tries and tries with all his heart, because he is honest and hard working and could not harm a fly, so find my client innocent and help to kick start the revolution to rid ourselves of these sinister men of the underworld.
TREVOR MACDONALD
The jury was the excused and left to consider their verdict. It was with great shock that within 15 minutes they returned. The foreman of the jury stood up and the delivered the verdict;-
JUDGE
On the first count of Murder
FOREMAN
Guilty
JUDGE
The second count of Murder
FOREMAN
Guilty
JUDGE
The third count of Murder
FOREMAN
Guilty
JUDGE
The fourth count of Murder
FOREMAN
Guilty
JUDGE
Is that the verdict of you all?
FOREMAN
Yes your honour.
JUDGE
The jury is excused. Mr Whitely, you stand convicted of 4 counts of murder, each carrying the sentence of life imprisonment, and I shall recommend to the Home Secretary that in your case that life indeed means life. Have you any final remarks before you are taken down to begin your sentence.'
WHITELY
Merely that I am a patsy, and again the forces of evil have triumphed over good, as so often happens in this evil world of ours, the law is an ass and I shall be appealing against this monstrous miscarriage of justice!'
TREVOR MACDONALD VOICE-OVER - OVER FOOTAGE OF WHITELY ON HIS WAY TO PRISON
Whitely was taken to the cells below and then in a blackened police van through the cordon of fans and the photo hungry paparazzi to the maximum security prison on the Isle of Wight, which would now undoubtedly become his home for the rest of his life)
TABLOID HEADLINE ‘JIM DAVIDSON TO TAKE THE REINS OF COUNTDOWN’
NEWS REPORTER
Following the very public decline of mass murderer Richard Whitely, the pedantic, yet seemingly, harmless chat show host, with a vent for shockingly bad puns, Channel 4 today announced the return of Countdown, but at a later slot and with a new host and a new direction to fit in with the more modern tastes of 21st century viewers, Countdown or C*untdown as it will now be known will be screened at 11.30pm, with comic Jim Davidson at the helm and his assistant will be no other than ex-page 3 favourite Sam Fox. In a departure from the familiar format, the aim of the game now is to create rude and offensive words, but the tradition of countdown is maintained in so far as the words must be contained in a dictionary. Another change comes with the numbers round, in which the contestants must take the chosen numbers and end up with the number 69, or the nearest number to that figure. It is stated that Ms Fox will be displaying her ample assets and will choose the letters and numbers from very small tables in order to provide maximum exposure from her skimpy outfits.
Dictionary corner will remain much the same, except the celebs will be slightly different, with Bernard Manning and Roy 'Chubby' Brown, set to appear in the first few shows and rumours place Pamela Anderson and Gary Burchill pencilled in for later programmes. Channel 4 claim the change of direction was necessary for two reasons, firstly the old format would be forever tainted by the legacy of multiple murderer Richard Whitely and secondly, it was decided the new look could pull in considerably more viewers given it's cheeky new direction. The conundrum will remain, but will always be a nine letter word referring to something rude, indecent or offensive, or if possible all three!
