PLEASE READ PART ONE FIRST.
[TITLE; - DARING PLAN SUCCEEDS]
[CUT TO REPORTER OUTSIDE HMP ISLE OF WIGHT]
REPORTER
In an amazing episode today, a home made helicopter daringly landed in the exercise yard of H.M Prison Isle of Wight and whisked recently convicted mass murderer Richard 'Road-Rage' Whitely, from his four life sentences and to a life on the run, like a 21st century Ronnie Biggs.
The helicopter, discovered later abandoned at a little used private airstrip,
[CUT TO FOOTAGE OF ABANDONED HELICOPTER]
Seemed to be made of household objects and held together with what
Police have described as 'sticky back plastic', 'It was a miracle the thing got in the air', one prison officer who witnessed the escape stated. One onlooker watching a glider display gave Police their first clue to the identities of the evil Whiteley’s saviour's. Mrs Fanny Clampp,
[CUT TO MRS CLAMPP BEING INTERVIEWED]
Who told officers that the occupants of the craft were Carol Vorderman and ex-Children's ITV anchorman Gaz Top!
REPORTER
Earlier reports speculate that the pair using skills learned on kids TV science show How2 enabled them to construct the primitive helicopter, although it is believed that they may have had some outside help.
Police are refusing to confirm reports that Johnnie Ball and Patrick
Moore has been arrested in connection with the incident, although they do admit that Magnus Pike and Tony Hart have been released without charge.
[CUT TO PHOTOS OF ALL THE ABOVE AND POLICE NO COMMENT]
[TITLE; - NOWHERE TO RUN, NOWHERE TO HIDE
REPORTER
Despite a nationwide police operation, Whiteley and his co-horts or the Whitely-Vorderman-Top-gang as they have become known it the press.
[CUT TO FOOTAGE OF VARIOUS RETAIL OUTLETS AND RESPECTIVE CCTV FOOTAGE]
However a series of disturbing daylight robberies of ironmongers and hardware stores in the South East of England suggest that this is the work of the fugitives, as the only things taken, (besides the takings) have been the shops in questions entire supply of Brasso. In the latest
robbery of Mr Hammers in Bognor Regis, the trio were joined by a fourth robber who has been possibly identified as Gyles Brandreth,
[CUT TO LIBRARY FOOTAGE OF BRANDRETH]
A previous regular on Countdown and an ex-Tory MP. The growing crisis led to heated exchanges between Mr Blair the PM and the leader of the
Opposition, William Hague;-
[CUT TO HAGUE AT PM'S QUESTIONS IN THE HOUSE]
MR HAGUE
'Does the Prime Mi-ni-ster thi-nk th-at Whit-ely surely should be
ba-ack in cus-tody buy now, or ha-ad he bett-er ask his wife, as sh-e
se-ems to knowmore about all this th-an meets the eye, is she in the gang too?
MR BLAIR
'Ha-Ha, aah, um Yes the right honourable gentleman, can probably tell me the answer to that himself given that one of this party is riding shot-gun with the gang
(The Labour Benches erupt and Mr Hague moves swiftly on to another question.)
REPORTER
Whitely had been due to start his appeal against his sentences, as he has always pleaded his innocence and was also due to testify at various slander and libel cases brought against him by Sir Bobby Charlton and Richard and Judy, all have been suspended until Whitley's re-arrest.
TITLE: GAZ TOPPED
TREVOR MACDONALD
[CUT TO POLICE CAR FOOTAGE]
In news just coming in sources report that the Whitely gang, spotted driving at excessive speeds in the Norfolk area, were chased by traffic police units, who attempted to make them stop, but came under automatic machine gunfire from the stolen Reliant Robin driven by the gangsters moll Carol Vorderman. Whitely sprayed the high performance Police car with numerous rounds from a weapon described as possibly an AK47 assault rifle, the Russian made terrorists weapon of choice. The un-injured officers, called for back up and at a Welcome Break service station near Norwich a gun battle ensued, which left two officers critically wounded, but claimed the life of Gaz Top,
[CUT TO LIBRARY FOOTAGE OF GAZ TOP]
Real name Gareth Evans, the son of a welsh miner and a gypsy female wrestler, Top found fame in the 1980's, but his career flagged in the mid-1990's, and it is then, it is thought that he succumbed to the designer drug Brasso, the downfall of so many celebs in the UK. The alarming increase in the use of violence in these robberies has caused the formation of a special Army/Police unit headed by SAS Gulf War veteran and successful novelist Andy McNabb, to track down the gang and capture the renegades alive if possible.
[CUT TO MCNAB IN CUSTOMERY BLACKED OUT INTERVIEW]
REPORTER
In the early robberies, Whitely used his charm and wit, the same qualities that made his products sell so well, and no force was needed, and indeed he was seen in some circles as a latter day Robin Hood, but medical experts say that the amount of Brasso he and his gang are using now will have distorted their minds into a primordial blood-lusting frenzy. They may even be main-lining the Brasso, by either injecting it or as some suggest they may even have started to drink the Brasso!...
TITLE THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BRASSO
ANCHOR
Police today are centralising their efforts in the Ipswich area today, following another in the continuing series of gun-battles with the heavily armed and extremely dangerous Whitley Gang. The gang, drug crazed as they are, surely must be mourning the loss of Gaz Top, killed by police marksmen late last night at a Norfolk service station. But in a new twist, the gang seem to have replaced him already, as onlookers say that the person who fired at and successfully shot down a police helicopter with a rocket launcher was none other than Richard Stilgoe, they beardy former Nationwide presenter and professional anagram nutter.
[CUT TO STILGOE LIBRARY FOOTAGE]
REPORTER
Officers onboard were miraculously thrown to safety, as the burning craft ploughed into a barn full of cows, killing all of them in a huge unplanned barbeque. The wild ride of this latter day Bonnie and Clyde looks set to end here in Ipswich, a town so boring most people refuse to believe it actually exists! Police again refuse to confirm rumours that the gang are holed up in the town's B&Q Gardening and Hardware superstore, a dangerous place given the amount of fertilizer and other potentially explosive material contained within the shop. And given that the evil genius Johnnie Ball,
awaiting trial for conspiracy to cause explosions and aiding and abetting known felons and perverting the course of justice one would imagine that the judge will be thinking of a number, then doubling it and sentencing old Johnnie to it. Fat Boy Slim, son in law and Husband of Ball's pig-faced daughter is thought to be recording a charity record to support his case with U2.
[CUT TO PRESS CONFERENCE WITH BONO, SLIM ET AL LOOKING SUITABLY PO-FACED AND [in] SINCERE]
TITLE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR
[CUT TO REPORTER ON SCENE, COVERING EVENTS LIVE]
The cordon of police vans prevented all but members of the security and emergency services in to the hell's kitchen that once was a quiet DIY superstore. Overseeing the operation was former SAS sergeant Andy McNabb, dressed in full regalia, complete with balaclava, McNabb was asked what he thought would happen,
[CUT NCNAB, WITH FACE OBSCURED BY BALACLAVA AND GAS MASK]
'Well we'll give them a chance to surrender, negotiate with them, and if that fails we will have no choice but to go in and neutralise them.'
REPORTER [OVER FOOTAGE]
No sooner had this interview taken place when from a side entrance, a person later identified as Richard Stilgoe, dressed in a strange Ned Kelly-esque DIY suit of armour consisting of a bucket helmet, a sheet of corrugated tin for a breast-plate and thin aluminium sheeting for leg protection. Armed with two machine guns he gamely tried to cross the forecourt, for he seemed to be making for a nearby shop, but alas, this saddening saga claimed another life as the seasoned celeb was cut down by the superior accurate fire of the SAS.
TITLE NO SELL OUT
REPORTER
In the lull in the battle, several famous people tried to break the ice, but after the efforts of Dale Winton, Noel Edmonds and even Barrymore failed to bring the desperate trio round to the notion of surrender, in-fact after Barrymore had attempted to calm things by doing a silly mincing walk, a grenade was thrown at him by Vorderman which caused him several serious shrapnel wounds in his bottom.
[CUT TO THE ATTEMPTS BY THE VARIOUS CELEBS]
It was obvious that they would not surrender and all Whiteley would say was
[CUT TO LIVE FOOTAGE OF WHITELY]
'I'm innocent, I know it, you know it, even the bloody squirrels
know it!'
It would seem that the copious amounts of Brasso had destroyed what remaining pun skills Whiteley had and turned him into a caricature of a cockney gangster. A decision was made by those in charge to set fire to the building, to try and smoke the grimly determined defenders out, before more of Whiteley’s mad fans turned up and a possible riot situation developed.
TITLE COUNTDOWN'S LAST STAND
[FOOTAGE LIVE, BUT REPORT IN RETROSPECT]
Things moved fast as the highly skilled commandoes set to work, several grenades were fired a strategic points and very quickly both ends of the building caught fire. With men covering the exits, the gang, via loud hailer, were given a chance to surrender. At this Gyles Brandreth appeared at a window with a heavy machine gun and raked the forecourt with a deadly lead rain of death, simultaneously, smoke bombs went off and a car burst through the plate glass window, (the car, part of an insurance promotion, had inexplicably a full tank of petrol) in the confusion the car speed off, as the ex-Tory MP was cut to pieces by the guns of the Special Air Service.
The star crossed lovers Whiteley and Vorderman last ditch attempt to outrun the forces of law and order came to an abrupt end several hundred yards down the road. McNabb, expecting a possible break out had positioned a squad of troopers down the road, hidden in hedges. The pair didn't have a chance as the car was riddled in a withering crossfire of automatic weapons fire. Both were discovered to have been shot several hundred times. Quickly the scene was filled with people wanting bits of Whiteley’s blood stained garish blazer or Carols horrid rubber top, both blood stained and bullet holed. The crazy mad reign of terror was over. Or was it?
TITLE EPILOGUE
TREVOR MACDONALD VOICE OVER
[CUT TO UNFOLDING EVENTS]
The ironic part of the whole Whitely-gate saga, as it became known was that, as the two lovers were mown down by the professional soldiers of
Her Majesty's SAS, Sir Bobby Charlton and the Madeley's were arrested by officers the National Crime Squad, Interpol and agents of the FBI for various crimes including organised crime, terrorism, assassinations and just about every other crime under the sun.
MADELEY'S DISGUISE
[CUT TO NEIGHBOUR]
It appeared that a man in house nearby had been taking pictures of a female neighbour, who walked around her house and garden nude, had in advertently pictured, Madeley and his transvestite partner donning and un-donning disguises, i.e. Madeley as a horrifically accurate Whitely (his chameleon like skills already proved by his Ali G skit) and 'Judy' removing his latex mask and becoming for the reasons of stealth Abdulla.
The man Tom S Gisum had been too afraid that someone would discover his secret perversions that he did not come forth with the evidence until Whiteley went on his mad rampage. In a simultaneous sweep, Police raided the homes of the suspects, at the Madeley house automatic weapons and guns, knives and bombs of all description were found along with a cellar full of wine, which all had been stolen, despite Madeley's claims to the contrary.
[CUT TO MADELEY RESIDENCE AND POLICE CARRYING OUT SEIZES ITEMS]
Similarly at Charlton's mansion, he was along with Thora Hird and
Matthew Kelly found to be torturing Des Lynam,
in order to get him to try and bribe more sports stars that Charlton had no influence over, luckily, Des the housewives favourite was saved in the nick of time just as Hird was about to wire his genitals to the national grid.
[CUT TO DISTRESSED LYNAM]
TREVOR MACDONALD
[WITH COUNTDOWN THEME TIMING DOWN IN BACKGROUND]
All are now in Strangeways prison convicted and awaiting sentencing.
The conundrum remains why, why did they do it, why did Whitely, obviously innocent go on that crazy rampage, no-one will ever know for sure, Whitely can't tell us and Charlton and his firm of hardened career celeb criminals won't due to their code of silence with it's instant death sentence for the loose tongued. One thing is for sure, they won't forget the name Richard Whitely now, he has got the fame he desired and you can get the Memorial Richard Whitely Pun-master with built in non addictive Brasso inhaler for just £9.99 from Naffco, (a subsidiary of company of Crapco).
The End
